"Ooh, what a night..." Captain Gordon, Defender of Earth groaned as he sat up in bed and groggily looked around the room. After the EDF's celebration of his triumphant return from Galaxy Omega-Centauri 185, and the subsequent festivities that had robbed him of any memories of that evening, he was relieved to see that he was in his own bedroom, and had slept in his own bed; what made him slightly less at ease was the fact that someone else was in the bed with him. Not to worry, he thought. Last night probably made Jennifer realize her true feelings for me, that's all. I suppose heroes don't always have to wait until marriage...
He glanced over at the lump in the sheets beside him. The figure was completely covered by blankets, obscuring their features, but this didn't linger long on his mind; he tasted copper, and drawing the back of his hand over his chin, he was surprised to discover that his fingers were covered in blood. Cupping his palm to his mouth, he spat bloody saliva into it, and...Something else? He looked. One of his teeth had chipped. He had broken a tooth on something. Staring at the broken fragment of tooth in his palm, he was overcome with a feeling of horror and disgust. What did I do last night?
Just then, the lump stirred next to him. He watched as the figure poked their head out of the sheets, their sleep-matted hair covering their face. Well, it certainly wasn't Jennifer; not only did this person have green hair, but as he caught a glimpse of their profile, he saw a long, hooked nose and thin lips. Gordon shuddered in revulsion. Those features were too familiar. No, it couldn't be-
"Damn," his bedmate grumbled, "I've got a headache...Where the hell am I?" No. It couldn't be anyone else, Gordon thought with despair. His rival Kurtis sat up, propping himself up on prosthetic elbows and allowing the sheets to slide down his torso. His neck and lower jaw, the few parts of him that were still flesh, were covered in bite marks, and every robotic part of him...Every inch of metal was sticky with blood and saliva. It was amazing that he hadn't short-circuited during the night.
"Kurtis?" he gasped, he normally strong, confident tone nowhere to be found. Kurtis looked up at him and, after several moments of confused squinting, met Gordon with an equally stunned stare. They gaped silently at each other for a moment, and then both let out a horrified scream, backing so far away that they fell off opposite ends of the bed.
"Gordon!" Kurtis squeaked, pulling the fallen sheets up to cover himself, "What's going on? Are you telling me that we-"
"Stop it!" Gordon commanded, not daring to look his former friend in the eye, "Kurtis, we're men! We can't just panic like a couple of schoolgirls, now can we? Let's solve this like real men do. Alright?" He nodded, regaining his usual level of composure.
"You're absolutely right. It never happened, and we're going to keep it that way. Does that work?" Kurtis asked, quickly looking around the room for his clothes. "Let's just go. We'll say that we got into a fight or something last night...Oh, and speaking of which, your mouth is bleeding." For the first time in ages, Gordon fell completely silent.
"...I know," he responded after a moment, "This time, I'll say you won."